I have lived amongst you now for over 4 decades and have observed several things of note. I do not pretend to understand your species, and I am not sure you understand yourselves. I write this in the hope that it can help you navigate your way through some of the less widely understood aspects of your strange and unfulfilling lives.
When drying your hands under or in a hand-dryer in a public toilet, if there is someone waiting behind you to dry their hands, you must give your hands one last vigorous shake and then complete the drying process on your trouser leg. The current levels of dampness on your hands should not be factored into the decision making process.
When driving one of your “cars” on the motorway you should judge everyone else’s speed thus: Too slow and they’re an idiot, too fast and they’re a lunatic. The only correct speed is the speed at which you are travelling.
After having your hair cut, and when being shown the back of your head in a mirror, you must use as many superlatives as possible. “Great, smashing, yup, perfect” is a suitable response to being shown part of your body that you will not see again until your next haircut.
If walking past another human, you may greet them if any of the following criteria apply; it is early in the morning, you are in a rural environment, you are waiting for public transport and there is no one else around (assuming that space restraints oblige you to stand in relative proximity). See point 5 for further details.
When greeting another human, the correct way to do this is to force a smile by pulling your lips tight over your teeth in a sort of grimace. Eyebrows may or may not be raised depending on your preference. A perfunctory nod is usually deemed appropriate.
Emotions exist to be repressed. Under no circumstances should you say something nice to someone else. Compliments are allowed on special occasions and should be treated with extreme caution on any other day.
I don’t know why we live like this but we do.
Books
I’ve read a couple of books of short stories by Ted Chiang which were five star tour de forces. They’re Black Mirror before Black Mirror was cool. The one that confirms that Free Will is an illusion was a real highlight.
I’ve read a bunch of other books but nothing as possibly life affirming as Chiang so get amongst it.
Podcasts
I don’t really know how to keep track of podcasts that I’ve listened to, but this one with Noam Chomsky explaining that getting a job was something no self-respecting individual sought for abut 2000 years ago until we all got tricked into somehow wanting to submit to others for 40 hours a week until we’re too old and knackered to enjoy our lives any more was a bit close to the bone.
See you all soon, unless we have all been obliterated by Artificial Intelligence.
x
can i borrow your life affirming book please?